thank you for opening up and share this with us. you're very strong. it is not your fault you've lost people specially since you are feeling upset by it. you do not deserve to die. you care and you deserve someone who cares about u back. you will have those people who care about you and connect to you on person levels, but right now put urself first because the only person who'll stay there for you for the rest of your life is YOU. so please put yourself first and learn how to be happy on your own.

thanks for ur concern dude. I really appreciate it a lot. but it was my fault that i lost them because of my weak personnality which leads me to use lies to escape from what im afraid of the most but i end up experiencing my biggest fears and it's all my fault that i lost the closest ones to my heart. the ones who didn't let me down even once. They were my happiness, my safe place when my family wasn't. They're the ones who never got tired of listening to me and that i made a lot of memories with. I may seem like a drama queen but they really meant the world to me and i blame myself cuz i lied cuz i was so afraid if they'd leave me.And now because of my lies they don't want even to see my face once again after all that and they're completely right. I blame myself and im feeling so guilty. I didn't eat for approx. 5 days cuz i have no appetite and i can't sleep. My heart is racing and i can't stop crying while looking to our pics together. It feels so hard even tho i know people are living worse but they're the reason im not suicidal anymore, they're the reason why i survived last year and they're the ones who tried their best to free me from traumas which have been caused by my family. im sorry for talking a lot but i have no one to open up to and i feel like im a lone and like i've lost my will to live after losing them I have a lot more to say but im barely able to type my hands are shaking rly hard. i always hated mtself because of how hard i was bullied at school since day 1 but now i hate myself even more and it feels so heavy i rly want to be freed. im not even interested anymore in the things that used tk do to feel happy such as listening to music, videogames etc. I wish if i could have them back but i can't face them again with this feeling of how ashamed i am of myself which caused to me to start pushing others away from me and i know that it's wrong but i keep on doing it. death seemed like a peaceful wau for me to free myself from all guilt trauma and pain but that's the only reason why i want to die. i feel so tired i've been trying my hard best but i end up failing rly hard. i just feeeeeel so damn tired of everything specially from the person that i am and i don't feel like trying to fix what's wrong and bad about me that doesn't seem like it'll help bringing back the good old days where i was with them. i just love them so much they were always my first priority in everything. i know that nothing lasts forever and maybe better days are coming but im too weak for this. sorry if i talk a lot