Hey! Thanks for reaching out. I am sure this must be really stressful for you. You live with your parents? Or you’ve moved out? How’s your parents behaviour with you now?

Thanks for listening, Zoya. I moved out from my parents' place a long time ago. I recently visited them, distance and time had faded the bad memories and I was under the illusion that our relationship is better now. It was not, I left again vowing never to talk to my father again, for the fifth or sixth time in the last ten years. My father is extremely condescending towards me, for him my only worth is my weight and shape. No matter how well I did in my studies or education, I was never enough and I always fell short of their expectations. My mother has justified his behaviour since I was a child so I have trouble trusting her. She also keeps trying to find sneaky ways to hand over the call to dad when she thinks I am not paying attention, she asks him to write messages to me from her phone and she knows very well that I can tell the difference. I have tried to make my peace with it, telling myself that I cannot change who my parents are and their behaviour is not a reflection of who I am. But in my worst times, when I am feeling lonely and abandoned and like a failure, I feel that they were right about me and unlike everyone around me, I do not even have parents I can count on. I feel untethered.

I can only imagine the difficulty and stress you must have been through. This is truly heartbreaking. But I am really glad that you took a stand for yourself and you have made peace with the fact that you are an individual and your behaviour is different from them. Acceptance is a huge part and not everyone is able to accept the situation or anyone individual irrespective of the fact that they don’t like them. You have carved your own way, don’t discourage yourself now, trust yourself. Don’t ever believe on the negative comments, people who are trying to bring you down are already insecure about you. Do you have friends? Or anyone you trust? You share your feelings with?

I have trouble trusting anyone with my real feelings. In the past, when I have, it has been ridiculed, or people have drifted away or it has been used to make me feel worse when they felt like it, specially by ex-partners or vindictive friends. I now maintain an image of being in control. I am afraid that my professional credibility will also be unfavorably judged if my colleagues catch any wind of it, even though they are wonderful to me now. They are all counting on me to pull up our sinking start-up (our business has been badly affected by the pandemic) and I am so afraid that I might let them down.

Trust yourself you won’t let anyone down. You have proved yourself earlier also that’s why people now rely on you. Your past is a part of your personal life, professional career won’t be affected by it. It’s good that you’ve created boundaries for yourself but at the same time it's important to express as well. Have you tried journalling your thoughts?

I used to journal for a few years when I was living with my parents. My mother would secretly read it for years, and at some point, she took and hid all of them saying that they are hampering my studies and wasting my time. She also showed them to dad and they both used it to bully me and call me crazy and characterless. Since then, I have trouble putting down my private thoughts on paper or on my laptop. I would be constantly worried that someone I trust might find it and use it against me.

I am sure this must be really disturbing. But you can now try to do it, bottled emotions aren’t good trust me.

I will. Thank you for listening, Zoya. I feel a little less alone now.

I am glad! Feel free to connect over call, we can have a detailed conversation.