abusive relationship with father
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I had a very bad day, yesterday . May be the worst. It's been 1½ year I am getting these suicidal thoughts. That morning everything was fine. And then suddenly my mom comes in my room she told me that you have to restart your life and have to take some study pressure so you can study, the only reason you are not able to study is you are not serious and not taking any pressure. This thing made me feel irritated and scared. I was wondering what's they are planning. And then after breakfast my father came to me and asked for the work (which I told him 10 days ago because I was tired of his time tables and moral lectures as I am not able to study these subjects, so I told him I need some time first to complete my pending work). And I started collecting my notebooks. I was feeling so afraid and anxious. My mind was so confused. I was terrified by the fear of the beatings because 10 days ago they were beating me for my studies with a bamboo stick I still remember that after that day my legs were paining so badly and I was feeling the pain in my legs during the whole day in school. I was so afraid that I wasn't able to move then I heard the voice of door closing, he was coming in my room he grabbed and yelled at me " why you are taking so time to come to room, haven't you done your work". Then he raised his hand to slap me. In fear I holded his hand to protect me. In anger he threw me on the table and went out of the room to get his stick he was shouting loudly that he is gonna break my bones. I started running to the main door of the house and I was crying at that time. My mother stopped me my dad was standing in front of the gate with that stick. I started shouting, please don't beat me. My grandparents holded my father then he angrily threw my grandma on the floor. And then somehow my mother and grandparents managed to bring my dad and me in the guest room . My father left all of us there by saying "I don't wanna be the part of this." I was crying. I started saying why you treat like this. They asked me why you didn't do your work. I had no answer. Maybe I was feeling so free those days I was free of all study pressures. Yes I do suck at studies but I know 2 years ago I topped my class in maths and science. And now I suck at this science stream. I can't do anything about this. All I wanted from my parents was some playing time and love because seeing my cousins and neighbours playing with their parents spending time with their parents enjoying their life hurts me. I wish that my parents understood me. They also treated my sister like this but now she is doing good in college and managed to clear some high lvl entrance exams but I feel that I can't even pass my school exams. When I told this to her on call she told that whole mistake was mine. Today at the time of dinner my mother asked me to apologise to him. She was angry on me and told me that this man travelled 200 km and then he always looked for you first when you were 8 and now you attacked him in return. She told me that my dad was saying that he will not pay my school fees and will not let me sit in his car ( When I was 13 I asked him to buy that car for our family) I am 17 now and I am so confused and scared. I don't know why everyone hates me. It really hurts me because they loved me 2 years ago now they left me alone in this hard time and started to beat me for my poor performances. I am scared that what I will do in future. Should I ask him to apologise me for just protecting me. I know that my mind was controlled by the fear I didn't want to hold his hands, I didn't want to shout at him. I hate myself. Sometimes I feel that I can't do anything in my life.

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