why can not i just vanish into thin air like i never existed. i live like a guest in my own house. i cant even remember one conversation even with my closest freinds without being overconcious of myself. Even when i am.at parties i can not dance because i freez. no one knows that i cry myself to bed everyday. Not even one day is gone when i dont break into tears. Even when my famiky nitpicks i break down. i become too anxious and stressed in public. i can not drive or shop without being awkward and super wierd. i can not maintain a close relationship even with my freinds. i never call them first even in group conversations i try hard to fit in. i just cant. its too much now. nothing is in my control i can see my life falling appart. i wanna open up to my partner but he wont understand. he has the best social life and he is the most optimistic person i have ever met with a very good family who supports him. but its just the opposite with me. i dont have any attachment from my parents. i drifted myself apart from them because of abuse and toxicity. i have lost myself none of my old hobby interest me anymore. i just wanna feel free i am sick of everything. i just dont want to exist.