anxiety and depression, unable to get out of past regret

Anxiety

Depression

Relationship Issues

anxiety and depression, unable to get out of past regret

It's about my anxiety which is getting worse now. I think I'm slowly heading towards to depression. It started in April. It came out of nowhere. 4 years ago, I committed a terrible mistake. I was dating a guy (a cheap playboy) back then. I was too young and innocent to understand what was going on. I was 18. I, very unfortunately, went to a public park with him. The park appeared to be for couples, as a lot of lovebirds were roaming around and having their romantic moments. We did too. But I felt like we were being watched. We checked but no one was around. But I could feel a presence. We spent few more minutes and left the place. That's the story, but that's what the problem is. Since April, I can't stop myself from thinking about the worst outcomes of these few moments that took place 4 years ago. I got all my doubts and fears back, and I'm asking myself every moment- What if someone has shot us? What if the video has been posted? What if I'm recognisable? What will happen if it appears in front of my family? I was good all these years, but since last 8 months, I can't feel stable. I think about this happening day and night. I don't have anybody to talk to. I cant deal with it anymore. I want to feel peace.. I don't know what to do... I'm not even able to interact with my parents. I can't even look into their eyes. I'm totally filled with guilt and shame. I tried to divert my mind... I'm trying to study and work... But the anxiety isn't letting me live peacefully... I need help and advice... Do you think my fears will come true? What are the chances? If anything bad happens, how can I hide it from my family? Please help me.

Dearcharcoal

7 Answers

Zoya Ahmad

Hello! Thank you for reaching out. I can understand you must be feeling really anxious about all of it. It is a really difficult situation to be in. I am glad that you were able to share about it. So here the problem is your feaf about something that happened 4 years back. Which is a long time. It’s okay to feel insecure about what happened because it was a public place. But you need to realise that the event happened four years back. Both of you checked around and it was assured that no one was there. Being anxious about the thing which hasn’t happened is not the solution. Nothing as you assumed has happened yet and it won’t happen. If it does happen then there is cybercell working there are hundreds of ways that thing can be removed. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing about this to your family it is completely alright. There are other ways kf reaching out for help. Try to relax and not think about something which hasn’t happened. Focus on being positive that if nothing has happened till date it won’t happen. Always remember that your family is your first support system and they will accept you no matter what. What happened was a mistake and you know about it you won’t repeat it. You have been giving a lot of thought to it and it is draining out your energy. How about you engage yourself in other activities. What are the things you enjoy doing? Are able to function well in other areas? Is this stress effecting your relationships with your family?

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Thanks for understanding. That's really kind of you. Yes, I considered the fact that if nothing has happened till now, things should remain alright in the future as well. But then, I have seen this pattern where thoughts hit me hard and turn into reality once I get over them. I'm trying to tell myself that everything will go okay. But then the possible consequences are haunting me day and night. I'm not worried about myself. I know I'll handle things anyhow. I'm just worried about my family. They will not be able to cope up with this. Yes, family is the first support system, but in my family, I'm the one who has to take care of everyone's mental and emotional health and needs. They can't tolerate such traumas. It's this fear that is eating me up. I dont know what I'll do if any such thing happens. We checked around and saw nobody. But I can sense it when I'm being watched. That was the feeling I had back then. I dont know how to handle it for my family if something so unfortunate happens. I'm a better person today. Atleast I'm not as stupid and naive as I was 4 years ago. But past mistakes have a way of turning themselves into the worst nightmares. I'm performing okay. But my productivity has decreased due to thinking so much. I'm trying to maintain my relationship with my family. I'm just not able to get over my guilt. I'm even scared to laugh because whenever I do, fear and shame take over my heart. I feel ashamed of myself when my parents say they are proud of me.

That won’t happen. Your family won’t know. You are grown up now, you will handle the situation then also. There are many legal ways to handle it which just requires your consent. Try to focus on other things in life and whenever such a thought comes just try to dispute it with something positive. Try to empower yourself in a way where you know that you can handle things on your own. Sulking over something that happened a long time back is not a solution. Why don’t you focus on small achievements and how it has effected you in a positive way? Can you try journaling your negative automatic thoughts and then make a column where you have replaced the thought wifh a positive one and then try to think in that way, then let us know how you feel about it.

The scene I'm replaying in my mind all day since last 8 months is that of other people telling my parents about it. Unfortunately, we're not raised in a society that knows what to accept anf what to ignore. If my family will never know about it, I don't have to worry at all. But it's this very scene that's draining all my energy. I feel scared all the time. I even tried writing a journal. It led to temporary relief, but my anxiety came back to me within hours. I don't even know what triggered it. I was okay all these years. Everything around me is only strengthening my fear.

For now focus only on the things that are happening around you. Whenever this negative thought comes focus your energy to the present look around and try to absorb in the situation you are presently in. Try not to focus on future so much.

yes, I'm trying my best to be in the present moment. I usually question myself over all these things. And then I begin to realise fhat may be I just want an assurance that things will go good, that nothing bad will happen. I have always been a type of person who has enjoyed uncertainties. I dont know what has pushed me into this black hole.

This is totally normal we at times feel uncertain and afraid few aspects of our life that we are insecure about. But at the same time keep reminding yourself that you are different person now, and you only focus on moving ahead not looking back.

Frustrating

help me please

how do I change for the better?