My father had mental issues like schizophrenia . While growing up as a kid I had lot of trauma seeing and dealing with it . I loved him but our relationship kind of grew apart and I started holding grudge. I was being tough and bold inorder to stop myslf from breaking down. I used to cry away everything and it felt really comfortable rather than talking . I had finally coped with everything going around and he didnt have an episode for a long time . we were finally happy but he passed away recently . idk what to do . it feels like hell inside with all the negtaive thoughts and guilt trips . I wish I could stay longer with him but everything came to an end . It is like I cant control anymore . l lost my sleep. I am having occasionl seisures and axiety attacks. I often cry myself to sleep all night and all the negative intrusive thoughts are often killing me. my body is showing all the physical signs , I am having muscle aches , pains and heart aches. i hve never talked about this to anyone. even if I talk about my physical symptoms i feel like everyone kind of put down this aspect of my life . I wish I could see a therapist but I dont hv the courage to explain that to my mum. therapies are often considered taboo. I really wish I could sleep peacefully even for one night . I am finally taking this to here and curating myself to get a solution Idk what to do anymore. and I am really afraid my health is declining and I am afraid that i will have further mental health issues in yhe future.