attracted towards a womann who is not as much committed in the relationship as the other partner because of her past

Relationship Issues

Me yha ayaa apni problem share krne. Logo k dukh dekh kr man nhi kr rha apni takleef btane ka. Fir bhi likh deta hu... Meri gf h. Uska lagbhag 1.5 saal pehle divorce hua h. 4 saal pehle shaadi hui thi. Me har koshish krta hu use khush krne ki lekin mujhe kabhi kabhi lagta h ki vo jaan bhuj kr aage nhi badhna chahti, uske man me abhi bhi ex husband ko neecha dikhane ki soch h (matlab use apni galti ka ahsaas dilaane ki soch h). Gf ko ek physical pain h jo use past ki vajah se mila h lekin vo uska proper treatment nhi karaana chahti. Vo kuch din ki dawai kha leti aur pura course/checkup complete nhi krti. Mujhe lagta h is pain se vo puraane dukho ko yaad rakhna chahti h. Shayad ex husband se badla chahti h. Aur me aage badhna chahta hu uske saath. Iske saath saath ek baat aur h. Usko acha lagta h jab dusre ladke ya collegues usse flirt krte h chat pr. Vo unko bhaav deti h. Fir vo ladke gf se batameezi krte h. Fir gf ko gussa aata h. Fir vo mujhe btatai h. Aesa kai baar hua h kai ladko k saath. Maine use kaafi samjhaya ki tu faltu me bhaav hi kyu deti h kisi ladke ko? Jab ha bharne k baad vo firse mujhse chipa kr dusre ladko ko chat pr bhaav deti h. Mujhe dar h khi mere gf se shaadi krne k baad bhi aesa hi na chalta rahe. Hume baat krte hue sva saal ho gya h. Maine kaafi smjha h use lekin ye 2 baate mujhe red flag ki tarah lag rhi h. Vo mujhe gusse me bhot kuch ulta seedha bol deti h. Baat baat pe gussa krti h. Bhot si chize h jisse usko apna past yaad aata h to me un chizo ki baate krna bhi avoid krta hu. Me itna soch rha hu uske liye aur vo... Mujhe smjh nhi aarha Mujje kya krna chahiye.

Deepak94

3 Answers

hansa_shaunik

Deepak94, you want to marry someone with whom you see a lot of red flags. I cannot comment on your partner but here are a few questions that you can reflect in: 1. Why do you want to marry this person? 2. How does she add to your life? 3. How do you add to her life. 4. What are the values in a relationship that are important to you. 5. Does your partner have the same values? 6. What are your hard limits, things that are simply non negotiable for you? While we cannot change other people understanding our own selves will give help you decide of this relationship can work for you. Marriage is a serious commitment. It is important that you make it mindfully. Simply going by emotions may be detrimental in the long run.

Thank you for commenting @JOSHIKASHARMA. Maine usse pehle baat ki thi ki agli baar mujhe jhut bola ya is bare me kuch chupaya to humara rishta khatam. Ha me insecure tha. Kal raat chat pr maine usse apni baate rakhi dubara se.maine usse pucha, Ki tujhe kya kya shikayate h merese? to usne kha kuch nhi h. Fir maine pucha mujhe kya kya shikayate h terese? To usne vo saari gina di jo jo mujhe lagti h. Fir baat krte krte usne kha "acha ha, tu meri kitni galti maaf kr sakta h?" Maine kha "yeto depend karega galti kya h aur tujhe remorse kitna h" aese kaafi der tak puchne pr usne mujhe bataya ki usne parso raat ko firse flirt kiya ek colleague k saath. Vo usse clearly intimate hona chahta tha aur gf ne fir bhi use chup nhi kiya. Maine usse saari chat history export karai aur padhi. Usne firse vhi baate kri ki aage se nhi karu baat. Maine usse pehle bhi pucha tha 1. Tujhe kya milta h aese flirt krke? Jab tujhe clearly pta h us ladke k intensions? 2. Kya guarantee h future me aesa nhi karegi? Uske paas in baato k jawab nhi the pichli baar. Is baar maine ye sawal bhi nhi kiye usse. Maine bas ye kha ki mera khayal nhi aaya tujhe usse chat krte hue? To vo rone lagi. Mujhe na gussa aaya na rona aaya(which I'm surprised by the way). Maine use bta diya mujhe aur baat nhi krni terese. Kuch ghante vcall pr usko kadvi baate sunane k baad, uske rone dhone k baad maine phone kaat diya. Ye mera pehla relationship tha usse pehle maine kabhi kisi ladki se baat nhi ki. But I felt like I dodged a bullet.

Thank you for thoughful comment @hansa_shaunik maam. Aapke saare questions bhot ache h. Mujhe ye lagta h 1. Uska past troubled tha to maine socha jispe dukh beeta ho usme samjhdaari aati h. 2. Usne merese baate ki lekin apne mood k hisaab se na ki mere mood k hisaab se. We were intimate a couple of times. Usne mujh pr bhot choti choti baato pr gussa kiya, maine uske gusse ko bhot patiently handle kiya ye maan kr ki ye ptsd se hua h. 3. Maine usse har tarah se khush rakhne ki sochi. Uski problems ko apni problems maan kr usse baate ki jaise ki uski health & career. 4. Mujhe honesty chahiye thi sabse jyada. Kyuki me khud ko recluse maanta hu. Baaki sab baato pr adjust krne ko tayaar tha me. Jab me ek divorcee se shadi krne ko tayaar hu, samaaj ki sunne ko tayaar hu, apne ghrwalo se bhi baat kr rakhi thi maine. 5. Nhi uske paas nhi h itni honesty. Vo to ye dikha rhi thi ki us ladke ki hi galti h saari. Jaise gf k bas me koi baat nhi h. Jab vo usse itna firt kr rha h to vo kr bhi kya sakti h.(i mean wow!) Gf ne ye kha ki mujhe smjh nhi aarha us ladke se kaise baate band karu.( Lekin me smjh gya tha ki mujhe aur baate nhi krni ab. Maine usko warning di thi fir bhi usne vhi dubara kiya) 6. Respect ek dusre k liye aur honesty. Pichle kuch dino se vo bhot gussa kr rhi thi mere pr baat baat p. Suru me usne aesa nhi kiya tha. Kai baar kahti ki tu meri saari baato ko serious mat liya kr, meto aese hi bol deti hu kuch bhi. (Koi bhi kuch bhi aese hi nhi bol deta ya aese hi nhi krta, har chiz ka reason hota h)

Frustrating

help me please

how do I change for the better?