childhood abuse and unfulfilled relationship

Anxiety

Relationship Issues

Hey, I am 22 years old. I enjoy being independent. I have been through a lot in my life. I am tired of everything around me. Since I was a child I have been through physical abuse which affected me mentally. I have moved on but the strain is still in my mind. All I ever wanted was love and care. And when I finally fell in love for the first time 2 years ago, everything was beautiful for the first year. But later a lot of issues started between me and him. He doesn't allow me to live my life on my terms. He wants me to live on terms and conditions set by him. I am suffering from this torture for 1 year. Everything is painful. This guy whom I love selflessly questions my love, character, and everything when he is angry. He fights with me when I don't follow the rules which he has made for me. Or should I say orders :( 😞 If I do something of my choice which is making me happy and which he may not like then also he blames me. He threatens me if I don't behave in the way that he wants me to behave. I feel he has anger issues or else he is obsessed with me because in his anger he abuses me, my love, and says a lot of bad and vulgar words that are not acceptable. I am very much scared of this person. When I communicate these things with him he says that what he does is a reaction to what I did, Basically the the exact words are, "Mene tumko bola tha ye mt karo toh kyu kia esa. Jb pata hai mujhe nai pasand to kyu gussa dilati ho" Matlab jo chize mujhe pasand hai aur use nahi to me uske hisb se apni zindagi to nahi badal sakti na and also use jo sahi lgtae wo zaruri nahi mujhe bhi sahi lage to me kyu follow karungi use. Why can't people accept things when they don't work in their favor? He is violating my boundaries. Yes, I have loved him but after all this, I can't stay with a person who is toxic to me. I genuinely care for him now also because when I Leave him or he leaves me then also he threatens me :( The pain keeps on adding as I am not healed from a lot of things which has happened to me in past. I'm getting so weak that sometimes I feel I should leave everything and follow this person because I love him and he loves me but this is untrue as he might love me but I am very much clear that he doesn't understand me and respect me.

Dusky

6 Answers

Zoya Ahmad

Hey! Thanks for reaching out. I am sure it must be really difficult for you. We all want to be loved and grow with person. Love doesn’t mean that you would want to change the person, we don’t want to lose the sense of self rather we want to be accepted by the other person just as we are. I think you should know your worth, and try to confront the person that you don’t want to change you fell in love with the person I was now why do you want to change me. And if you feel that this relationship is toxic and is taking life out of you. Then you should actually take a break from this relationship and focus on yourself. Give yourself time, do things that you loved doing. You can still be considerate about him but that doesnt Mean that you have to be in a relationship with him. He should respect your boundaries and most importantly he should respect you. Don’t let yourself give up and follow someone you strongly feel is not good for you. Rather make yourself a priority, accept yourself and look for ways you can help in building yourself. What was your trauma about, share your experience, then try to accept it and move ahead in life with head high that you can come out of it.

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Thanks for replying Zoya Ahmad. I have already discussed these matters with him. But there no point. He does not let me go neither he lets himself go. If I rebel then he threatens me. I know my worth and that is why I have been speaking and standing up for myself. But if somebody threatens you and mentally traumatize you then I don't understand what can be done in this kind of situation. I know his anger can make him do anything. And that is why I am in fear. Not only for myself for him also. Because at a human level I genuinely care for him. I have spend such a good time with him. And that's natural. I have spoken about this also but the same thing happens again and again as his anger takes over everything.

You need to take a stand and tell him that you want move out of this relationship as it is not what you wanted. You guys can be still be friends. Anger is only going to make things worse for both of you. Try to explain to him that you guys are only dragging the relationship. Tell him that you will still be his support system but just can’t be involved in a romantic relationship because you don’t feel the same like it used to be. Hence you are not able to invest your 100% in this, he should also understand this and nobody wants to be in a situation where they feel trapped. Try to be polite and assertive while explaining.

I have already done this mam. But still he is not able to understand as he wants what he wants.

I am still waiting for a reply

You should decide for yourself, and not listen to him. If that’s what you want. It’s your life and you should have full control over it.

help me please

how do I change for the better?

difficult tym after breakup