I am sad. Too much sad. It never goes away. It is always there. I am enjoying with my friends and it suddenly devastates me without any warning. Suddenly i feel like i lost all energy and i just want to close my eyes. Stop feeling. Stop everything. Nowadays i get angry at my parents so much that i start hating myself. I get too much angry. And to calm that down sometimes i listen to songs in full volume. That helps a little. I have been getting suicidal thoughts since i was 7 years old. I tried a lot but i am scared too. Those thoughts are so powerful now that its hard to control. It gets out of hand. I dont know what is happening with me anymore. I have become a problem for myself. I dont feel like i belong anywhere. My home never felt like home. Nowadays i avoid my home and stay at some relatives house. There also it feels like i am the outsider. I feel like an outsider even in my own life and body. I dont feel good with myself or my life. I know i need help at this point. But i cant ask kor help. I can see people out there but i can't reach them. I feel like a burden to myself and others. I feel like i am the worst kind of person still alive. I know what my problem is and what i should do but i am not doing it and instead i am complaining. Its true.