discouraged by father for career choice
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My life is going completely downhill. I always keep on messing up on everything I do. I have absolutely no future. All this started when I got my 12th board results. I was a science, biology student. I scored 84.4% . I was really happy after seeing my results because it was much more than my expectations. Especially when i couldn't give one of my exam because it got cancelled due to covid-19 . I was expecting much lesser Marks due to this, but I got much ,much more than my expectations. So i informed about this to my coaching teachers, 2 of them praised me , but one of them , that is my chemistry teacher wasn't happy. He said that these type of marks are less and not up to the mark. In the past, he also said that these type of marks/grades have got absolutely no value. And the person who score these type of marks has got no value either. I got upset. Next day, I visited my physics teacher (who is also the director of our coaching institute) and told him about my Marks, he started comparing me (not directly) to his favourite students by telling me how nice scores they've got. I got really sad , called one of my friends and started crying while talking to her. My father also kept saying that I don't study enough(even though I study for 14-15 hours at the exam time and 8-10 hours each day for the entire year)I was feeling really guilty and so 2 days after , I hung myself, because of that , I got chocked really badly, but couldn't kill myself (wish I could) . Then few days later , my grandfather and my uncle visited us ,talked to me about my result. They were very happy. But then started telling me that if I can score this nicely in my boards , then I should give NEET examination too. They want me to become a doctor so that I could heal them whenever they get sick. I just politely refused ,saying that I don't want to do it. They kept on persuading me. I never wanted to become a doctor. I didn't want to take science in the first place (how and why did I take it is another long story) . My parents politely told them not to pressurize me but my grandmother said"no! We have to pressurize her so that she do what we want! If we won't make our child fulfill our wishes, then who'll do it!?" They kept on persuading me and then left the house. Then after some days , we visited my grandparents' house. I met my grandfather, I was really excited to meet him because I'm quite close to him. He never got angry at me before but on that day, it was different. He was looking and sounding quite stern. Asked me about my result and was happy. Then he started persuading me to be a doctor to, to heal and help my family when the time comes and to keep up the family's reputation. I always wished to become a lawyer. But he said that this dream of mine is completely useless and then he said something I never wished he would've said. He said that he'll give me 25000 rupees if I give up on my dream and agree to become a doctor. Like how can I sell my dreams for some money. Then I was actually registered actually made to get registered for neet and I got myself registered for clat (common law admission test) on my own without anyone knowing. So i gave both of them. My rank was low in clat(as I was not an arts student) but still i got many offers from many colleges, but my father isn't allowing me to go to any of them saying that they don't have any good reputation, but I don't think so. Then came the neet result, I had a low rank there too, but I scored much above the cut-off and I still cleared it ,but I still told my father that I couldn't clear neet ,because then he would've got me enrolled in a medical college . And I don't want to become a doctor. I'm studying in a small college, doing my b.sc and then I'll do my llb, while all of my friends got admission in top colleges, even though many of them scored lesser Marks in 12th than me. Everyone is better than me . I don't have any hopes left from the future now. Even though I'll be able to do my llb after my b.sc, I'm not if I'll ever be able to become a lawyer. All this is my fault. I don't deserve anything. My father calls me a failure. I'm a failure.

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