Exhausted because of a friend
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I have a friend who is dear to me, but lately i feel like because of this friend, a lot of things changed in me. My friend is somewhat a pessimist. I am not exactly a pessimist nor a positive person. I get so sad and so down but i used to think there's still anothrt side of the sadbess that i feel. But my friend, i dont know if he mean it, he sort of killed a lot of things i hold on to. He used to say he didnt want me to stupidly hold on to false hope. That what if there are no sunny greenlandscape that i imagine on the other side of my sadness. And he thinks i hold myself in high regards. When i only dont want to settle on things that i know will end up hurting me. And that having false ideation that things will get better in the future and i am too naive and too idealistic. We had a lot of conversations like that on our earlier friendship. But now, i think i try to maintain our friendship because i somehow see myself in him. I no longer believe in the things i used to believe myself. It feels like i went down from the tree that i was sitting on while looking on 'that other side of my sadness'. Lately, my friend told me that his mental health has declined. I wanted to be there for him support him and know that i am still here for him But i can't help feel like because he is going through something, he is prone to get a little rude to me again, and make me feel like i'm stupid that he needs to explain more things to me for me to understand. We used to fight in our earlier years of friendship relationship because he would always drop sarcastic comments on me as if i was stupid. He is a lot smarter than me, but i was just hurt that he'd say things he thought i wouldnt understand. I'm writing here not because i am tired of being his friend.i just feel like i feel a lot more worthless than before. And its not supposed to be like that, right? He's not a bad friend. If anything, he also stuck by my side on my worst times. He also endured listening to my endless rants about my mother. I just noticed that i see myself a lot less because of 'realizations' from him.

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