Meri age 19 hai. Main humesa se padhai me achcha tha class 5 se toh main humesa apne class me 1st aata tha . Main apne class me jyada kisi se baat chit nahi karta tha . Main apne ghar ke aas - pass ke bachchon ke saath hi comfortable feel karta tha usme bhi main sabse kamjor tha. But jab main class 7 me gya tab mere sabhi dost wo jagah chodkar chale gaye main ekdum akela ho gya tha ( main ek singal child hoon) main bus ghar se school, school se ghar, ghar se tuition, tuition se ghar bus yahi meri life ho gayi thi. Jab main class 8 me gya tab main ye sochne laga ki- 1. Main kisi se baat chit nahi karta hoon mera kuch nahi ho sakta . Main aage chalkar kuch nahi kar paunga. 2. Main jo class me 1st aata hoon to sabhi log , sabhi teacher mujhse ye ummeed laga rahe hai ki main aage chalkar kuch achcha karunga. but mujhe pta hai ki hum thik tarike se padhai nahi kar rahe hai hume kuch bhi samjhaya nahi ja raha hai hume bus rataya ja raha hai jisse main future me kuch nahi kar paunga. ( maine government school se padhai ki hai , maine jis school se padhai ki hai uski halat bahut kharab hai) but ye baat koi bhi teacher ya gharwale nahi samajh rahe hai . wo bus mere number dekh rahe hai 3. sabhi teacher aur gharwale meri tarif karte hai others student ko meri tarah banne ke liye bolte hai but mujhe pta hai ki ye galat ho raha hai ye jo meri tarif kar rahe hai aage chalkar yadi main kuch nahi kar paunga toh yahi log mera mazak udayenge. 4. main har kisi par shak karta hoon. mujhe lagta hai ki mere sath sirf bura hi hoga . Yahan koi kisi ka friend nahi hai . Sabhi apne matlab ke liye hi friend banate hai. 5. Mujhe aisa lagta hai ki mujhe suicide kar lena chahiye. Mere liye future planning matlab SUICIDE. Maine 2020 me padhai bhi chod di hai. 6. Yahan ek aur problem aa gayi hai ki mujhe 2021 me phone se ye pta chal gaya hai ki main gay hoon. ( mujhe iss bare me humesa se pta tha ki mujhe ladko se hi attraction aata hai. But mujhe nahi pta tha ki ye real me exist karta hai but mujhe iski wajah se kabhi koi problem nahi thi . Main is bare me jyada sochta bhi nahi tha ) Main apne aap me ghoonte ja raha hoon. Jab se mujhe ye pta chal gaya hai tab se meri halat aur kharab ho gayi hai. Ab toh mujhe lagta hai ki isse badi samasya kuch bhi nahi hai pehle hi mujhme itni jyada suicidal tendencies hai ab main isse kaise deal karoon? 7. Yahan par toh simply ladka- ladki ka relationship accept nahi kiya jata. Mujhe toh ye log samjhenge bhi nahi. Isme meri kya galti hai? 8. Main bus itna chahta hoon ki mere gharwalo ko mere gay hone ke bare me pta chale. Wo log mujhe galat na samjhe . Yadi wo log chahte hai ki main aage chalkar kisi ladki se saadi karoon toh mujhe isse koi problem nahi hai but sabse pehle meri suicidal tendencies ko khatm kare 9. Yahan mere carrier par koi jor nahi diya ja raha hai ( hmm main chahta hoon ki main kuch karoon but mujhme confidence bilkul nahi hai so main kuch nahi kar sakta) mujhe lagta hai ki kuch hi din me wo log meri saadi ki baat karne lagenge because mere jo bachpan ke friend the unme se 3 ( jo mujhse 2- 3 saal bade the) ki saadi aur bachche bhi ho chuke hai. Gharwalo ka kehna hota hai ki saadi ke baad kuch na kuch kaam kar hi lega ( mujhse bade mere cousin brothers ka bhi yahi haal hai , wo log kuch karte nahi hai but saadi ho chuki hai , parents par depend hai saare) yahi sab faltu ki baaten soch soch kar main tension me hoon. mujhe har samay yahi lagta hai ki mujhe suicide kar lena chahiye kya mujhe kisi psychiatrist se milna chahiye?