feeling guilty of not expressing at the right time in relationship which is over now
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It’s not that intense this time I mean I don’t think about it all day now but I feel guilty, guilty of the fact that I was so unstable, I always talked about the breakup when we were in the offline mode too, sometimes it was like he just told me that he loved me and I was like we need to break up, which always hurt him, he wanted us to be forever and also, breakup shouldn’t even exist in our vocab; there were so many instances when I always talked about the fact that we won’t be able to keep it for so many years, 7 years maybe, he’sd send me don’t give up on me, back to you, smile (the lyrics said I wanna see you smile), but he would always be hopeful about the bright future; there were times when I’d be hurt coz he didn’t talk to me for maybe 2 days or a day, when even I didn’t talk to him myself coz I wanted him to himself maybe talk to me,and not always be the one to initialize the conversation, I wanted him to not just reply, but maybe just share a few moments from his day, which would also help me feel connected to him, not that I never mentioned this and he didn’t do that, he did, but it was after I’d beg him and re iterate it so many times and then I’d be like ok fine when he did share his day instead of being happy, maybe coz I didn’t want to force him or tell him again and again; tbh we have been physical, (not sex idk why am I even mentioning this fact lmao), and I don’t want him to touch someone else in the same way or someone else touching me in the same way; once when we were having a conversation and he told me how he didn’t want me to end up in someone else’s bed but now the same guy won’t even listen to me maybe, or even worse, ignore me. I miss how every time he always made time for me irrespective of anything, made me his priority and how it all completely changed in the lockdown coz I told him that he was maybe my second or third priority in the offline thing and now during lockdown, he too wants to focus in his stuff, I don’t know why I didn’t take that well; the fact that hurts me the most is that he will never get to know how much I loved him, because I never showed my feelings truly, how deeply I loved him, but unfortunately I never showed it because I was always scared of my teachers, parents and other stuff; which didn’t let me be how I wanted to be to him; the plans we made for the future, the things we talked about, everything hurts, but the fact that maybe in these next few years maybe I’ll completely lose him to someone else; and I’ll be losing someone with whom I had nothing wrong is something and actually the only regretful thing I’ve done till date and I don’t know I think it’s gonna hurt me so much

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