I don't know where to start. I am an 18 year old college student. Although I am quite good in interacting with people, but sometimes I feel I cannot attach with them. Whenever I get close with someone, I self sabotage it. I feel like everyone will hurt me and nonetheless it has happened a few times. I try to shut down my emotional switch so as to not feel anything. I did not have a happy childhood, free from any worries and fears. There has always been constant conflicts in my family. My parents do not have a good marriage. It is because of me and my brother that their marriage exists, not because of themselves. Sometimes I feel like who am I even living for? If I disappear right at this moment, nothing would matter. I constantly engage myself in productive work so as to not think about the terrible thoughts that come and go whenever I am with myself. I feel like I have never experienced love. Nor have I had any physical intimacy with anyone. I feel so empty sometimes, the pandemic severed my connections with so many people.