It feels like I'm crashing badly at the moment. At every given point in my life it feels like something is always...wrong. Financially, physically, emotionally, mentally. Something is always off. Today at work I got a headache...and my chest was hurting. I couldn't stop crying and I was embarrassed. They told me to go home and I did. I called my boyfriend to pick me up and he was so considerate...but at the same time I don't trust him.... I'm exhausted all the fucking time and sometimes I wish I just dropped dead. No, I'm not suicidal. I just wish I didn't exist. I try my best...at everything. At work, at my relationship, with my family....but I'm always left exhausted...and honestly a bit lonely. I miss my dad all the time...i know it isn't his fault that I'm in this position of working and working hard...but all I can think about sometimes is how I took him for granted and how I wish he was still here...and how I wish cancer would rot in hell... I feel trapped...and empty and sad and tired. And I'm trying...im fucking doing the best I can and it still doesn't feel enough. I'll never be enough....especially for myself.
