Hello, I hope the person reading this is safe and healthy. I'm new to this platform and I don't know how it works, so just posting my thoughts here, hoping somebody can help me. By the end of everyday, I have second thoughts of going to a therapist. But I get very uncomfortable to share in person and that is something that still stops me. I'm 23 years old, working. I lost my mom in 2017, I actually just went for my masters and my family didn't tell me initially that my mother has been diagnosed with cancer, because probably they wanted to give me some time to adjust because it was the first time that I went to settle far far away from home. I lost my mom within a month. I couldn't be with her during the last moments, couldn't even talk to her. It still haunts me. If I wouldn't have moved out, probably my mom could have been with me today. It feels very depressing to realise that she won't be here to witness my highs and guide me through my lows. She was my best friend. I couldn't even cry when I saw her body, because all I could think was, if I break now or feel weak, who will take care of my father. I've very less memory of that time period, I don't know why. I am so attached to my father now, but I never convey this to him. I was home because of this lockdown, I'm leaving home in next 2 days, again going far away. Last time when I went I lost one parent, I hope the other stays healthy this time. I just want to ask how to accept the part that you have lost a person like your mother, and you'll never see her again? It's just impossible for me. I do write in a journal to her, I write about her. But nothing seems to help!