guilt and concern of what other thinks
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There are two things that always bothers me a lot: Guilt and the concern of what others think of me. I am a person who, until about 2 years back, would always say 'yes' to all the things that anyone would ask of me. I was studying back then, hence most of the help expected would be me spending time and most people who were close with used to like me. But then I got a job and got concerned about my career and became way more money minded and stopped spending time with my friends, who were still trying to talk to me as they were in a position where they were still searching for a job. I started avoiding them as I wanted to spend more time on my career and I was not able to afford to get any time to spend with them. Then one day I was questioned by my friends that I was fake the entire time and I was selfish. They started speaking something very about me. I would just like to elaborate on my past. I was a guy who helped everyone all the time and used to adjust to all the moods and temperaments of my friends and I have done so much for others that I felt that all I did was useless and it would be better if I spent more time on myself and my career. But when I faced criticism such as these(like fake) it had really hurt me as I knew I was not it was just I realized that I already did much more than what an average human would do for others. Because of this criticism I started to think whether I was a good or a bad person and I took around another 1 and 1/2 years to think about these within myself and slowly I realized(after much honest retrospection) I was at least a decent person but even now when someone passes any sly dig that too publicly, I get offended and start overthinking about the comments whether it was directed at me. From a very young age, I was an over thinker of every minute things and emotions and I used to openly talk to myself (mostly daydreams) but now I had started to over think and re enact the times when people criticized me and I was trying to explain to them what wen through my mind and how much I have been there for them. I started thinking whether there are people judging my actions and used to refrain to say or do things that I normally feel like doing. This made my over thinking and voices way worse, that now I feel comfortable only when I avoid or isolate from my friends even those who still like me like they used to. I am very concerned to get close and raise hopes in others so that when they reach out they would not care if would say no. I am telling upfront to the new friends I get(which I got in office) of how selfish I would turn out to be so that they do not criticize one day that I was a fake. The past two years has literally stopped my proper functioning of my brain and can not read or learn anything without a constant burden in my head and I am not able to get rid of this. My social life is gone although much of this is over complicated by me and I am having suicidal intentions as well. Most importantly I only gain comfort when I get validations from others of the actions I have done. I never used to be like this and this is hurting very bad. My friends have asked me what my problem was but I have not told them the extent of thoughts I have only say I over think of life or future although it is the emotional past and future that haunts me. This is the the first time I have reached out for help and it has taken me a lot of time to reach out. I am concerned of reaching a psychologist or therapist as I am scared of medications as I think that I would grow dependent on them. Please help me when you find time.(I guess, deep down, I am searching for another validation of my actions again with this request)

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