I thought my life is getting better but it gets worse and worse the more i think about it
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I feel like i have improved last year, i used to feel lonely before this but I'm more extroverted than ever, communicated with friends and family and ambitious about my hobbies and life choice. But look at me now, I crave attention and affection yet I'm pushing people away from me, withdrawing myself from everyone, constant mood rollercoaster, overthinking and doubting all of my choices that i can't make my own decision and depend on someone else to make it for me. I really really crave affection that i start to found pleasure in pain. I started watching explicit stuff including snuff videos. It's really horrible that it feels really good. After watching those kinf of videos, the fantasy of getting affection is really getting into me that I have fantasizing getting r***d and tortured. I need help, I know I can't do this any longer. I can't help myself, I'm so pathetic.

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