lack of motivation
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After a lot of thought O decided to do this. I just can help myself now anymore. Everything is too much. I don't know if anyone else will understand or not, coz of course I myself can't fully understand what is actually happening to me; but it's hurting too much. I can't understand. Everytime I used to feel sad before, I told myself that I am a fighter, a survivor. Now it's just I can't. Everything is too sad. Too much overwhelming. The worst is almost all alternate nights I cry myself to sleep. I just feel this overwhelming sadness from every pore of my body n i cry. I can't talk about all this to anyone. It is eating me from inside. And each and everytime I think of suicide, which of course I won't do😂. Too chicken hearted for that. My relationship with my parents is a mess. And I know what I am doing wrong. What needs to be done to make that right. It's just that I don't bother. Infact, knowingly I through tantrums which is awful, after retrospection! But then again I do. I get angry over everything. I shout at everything. I can't focus on my studies also. Like I just go through insta reels, or web series n dramas. But don't study. I make schedules n plans n stuff to study. But I don't. I know this will adversely affect me but still can't make myself do it. How stupid is that! And I know and can analyse all this stuff, but still can't do anything to help myself. It's so miserable. I don't know how much of this is in my head, how much of it I am making up by myself n just stupidly being sad and finally how much of it is real. I don't know. And am too tired. Too much. It's becoming tedious day after day. Every night especially. I tried asking for help from some friends but it's not working. Nothing is working. I don't know what else to do. I can't help myself through this.

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