No clarity about future and career
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First of, I know I am not depressed for no reason. I tend to say that I don't know exactly why I feel this way but clearly I do and I am just denying it to myself and the people around me. I also feel that my problems are egocentric and petty because a lot of people have it worse and are suffering in a more serious manner that's why I look at my issues with invalidation and shame. But what are those things perpetually running through my mind on a daily basis that are slowly deteriorating my sanity? The fact that I am 26, unemployed, single, broke, in-debt, have no clear goals besides helping the family, have no self-confidence, have no skills, have no sense of purpose and direction, always anxious about everything, have great fear of being a failure in life, all of those along with many other insecurities are unfortunately taking its toll on my mind and I'm not proud it. Breaking it down further, I am very concerned with what I actually want to do with my life. After being delayed for years in getting a degree in engineering, I am now realizing, actually sometime around before graduating, that I don't want to be an engineer afterall. I feel like I chose to study just for the sake of having the title but in reality it's not something that I really want to pursue. I think it's important that you have to have at least some passion for something that you're going to do for the majority of your life but clearly I don't have that in me. Which makes me feel like I've wasted a lot of time, effort and money for nothing. I'm also tired of people assuming I am smart or somewhat good in academics when in reality I'm just average as much as the next person. Yes, I finished my degree but don't let it fool you. We couldn't have done it without having to cheat on almost all of our major subjects. Since our course is a newly added curriculum to our university, I felt like we weren't focused on that much and we were okay with that because we just want to pass for the sake of passing even without fully understanding what we're trying to learn. We didn't even make a single thesis project work because we actually have no idea what we're doing. Our professors had pity on us and just coaxed the dean to pass us. So basically we sort of graduated out of pity. I don't know how my other batchmates draw confidence from that but clearly I don't. That's why I'm that reluctant when it comes to taking up the board exam because I don't want to be pretentious. Even if I did try to review for it and somehow manage to pass it. For me that does not make you an engineer but merely a test-passer. I mean anyone could easily study and memorize to pass a test without knowing the essence of the subject. Some just pass out of pure luck. This is where the uncertainness is coming from. Being an engineer is essentially knowing how to design and apply technical knowledge into real-life scenarios. I can honestly say that we didn't do any of those during college. I wouldn't want to apply in a company as a lousy engineer afterwards. That would only make me a fraud and might eventually perform negligence in my duties. To make it simple, I wouldn't want to enter a profession without confidence in my foundation and skillset. I don't even have CAD skills for God's sake which is basically every engineer should have. It's like I didn't learn that much after years of studying. Now I feel lost with a degree I don't claim and I don't know what's the right move for me to make from my standpoint. Going back to college to pursue a different degree is a bit too late for my age and it's not that possible with our current financial status. I want to work to pay off my loans and to have my own savings but I'm having trouble with what job should I apply for without or with little relevance to my degree. Now i feel like I'm trapped in a paradox where my mental conditions keeps me from knowing what I want to do, at the same time not having clear goals and having no sense of purpose does not help in improving my mental health either.

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