I know how it feels to be not understood. Share here, how have you been feeling and does any event triggers it?

I'm bad at social interaction, I have very few friends more like colleagues now. So I don't have anyone to share with. Since childhood I was like this,I rarely talk with people but I talk alot around closer family and friends. Like my other male high school friends, I don't call or chat or interact on phone/media with female high school friends.... But I speak in person when I met them anywhere. It was like I was mentally grown up when I was young and have no time for acting like children, but growing up , I realized it was the worst thing. Now it costs me...... I'm alone, no interaction skills, can't express my love to my crush which is very hard as I have no supporter friend 😂. I've had girls before but like I said due to my speaking skill, I lost them..i hated myself for these, and I blamed my past self, I undervalue myself and no excuse because it's just fact. Then I become depressed. My problem occurs when I'm being left out or ignored by friends/relatives......when they underrated my skills lower than my capabilities. When they insult me for being the loser I am in relationship... As if they had helped. When I think about my life. Any many events which I am usually left lonely, angry at myself, depressed. And I get it, they can't understand if I don't speak out to them. But I don't, and I don't know why. Maybe I think It'll do more bad than good. I've had suicidal thoughts but , I don't want to hurt my parents, and being Christian I don't want direct ticket to hell.... So I had hoped for some painless accident to get me, possibly not crushed or burned😆.again I'll think about it and I'll get chills and don't want to die for I hope something will change my life..........this hope It happen many times and only left me dejected but I don't know I kept on waiting....

Currently my depression is of relationship and severe loneliness, that's why it's full of them.