overthinking and low self esteem
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Hi. I would like to share a few things which have been troubling me a lot. I don't think I have any true friend who could listen to all of it and give me hopeful, sensible things to hear. The problem with me is that I overthink and I am not in a good place with myself. The thing that eats me up everyday is that I am just not good enough. I feel helpless. Powerless. Absolutely drained out because no matter what I do I am getting behind in life. My friends have figured out what they want to do in life and yet being one year away from my graduation in computer engineering, I haven’t been able to figure it out. The people around me make me feel little. I don’t have a large group of people around me but there’s only 5-7 friends who are there. Whenever or whatever I do, the blame is always on me. Didn’t take someone in a team? My fault. Didn’t listen to opinion of others while I was a leader? Agreed. My fault. I try to be as good as I can with these people but no matter what I do they end up disliking or hating me. I feel alone. Truly lonely. I always have been lonely, never really had “true” friends who could stick around or who could emotionally support me or understand what I feel because in the eyes of everyone, I am the popular, well-spoken topper who knows what I want and I have a lot of company. It’s false. I don’t. I am just fed up of being someone like an ice-cream seller who would want to keep everyone pleased. It feels as if it’s absolutely my responsibility to ensure that nobody is left behind in a group. That’s a peril of being too smart or being too voluntary to take up leadership positions. And with this thing going on, my friends, I feel are getting distanced away from me. The ones that felt that I ignore them are now beginning to put me away. They don’t talk to me the same way they used to before. And it sucks because I thought these were the people I could bank upon, rely upon. They leave conversations in between. Hardly involve me in anything apart from studies when they used to do this earlier. Demean me, even if they do in a friendly way, but I think I take it too personally at times. I truly feel lost. No people, no goals or challenges, and above that I have been going bald since the last 2 years or so. I always wasn’t much good-looking, which means that I never got attention from girls until they realised I was smart and even if I did, it faded away gradually when the work pertaining to studies was done. I think I look abhorrent and now with the loss of my hair at mere 20 years of age, I have been losing my confidence. I tried some solutions but I did not consistently do them. I guess that’s because it was financially too much pressure, I was putting on my parents (they don’t agree to this) and a trait of my giving into helplessness and challenges. I really cannot do one thing properly because I think any venture, even something like exercising every day, I undertake is never completed.

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