self destruction thoughts because of past and it's effect on current relationship
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hi, im new to the app. i decided to join because i need to improve myself for my significant other. (some background info: the environment i live in is toxic. i was hit by my mom growing up and my parents constantly fight both verbally and physically. i had severe social anxiety and paranoia a few years ago which led to me having an average of 8 panic attacks a day. I also stop eating and sleeping off and on. and I isolate myself 24/7) i am always mopping and depressed, the way that I act is rubbing off onto my partner who is the bright, optimistic one in the relationship. I have hurt myself in the past, she feels that i am at war with myself and need time alone in order to fix this, but its when im alone with my thoughts that I get the worst. were taking a break for at least 2 weeks. I dont know how to get thru this hard time without her. But I have to give her space because she feels bad about me hurting myself and "cant take it anymore" (also the times that i have hurt myself is because i dont show my emotions and so i bottle up anger and then turn to self distrustuon because i dont want to be like my mom and go around lashing out at people. i have to get it out somehow, im thinking about joining a kickboxing group and maybe becoming a coach for my siblings mountain bike club since exercise helps distract me from my problems. i also have work and college but i dont know how i will focus on it since all i do is think about her... what should i do during this break? even just listing a good use of my energy would be great, otherwise any advice at all would be wonderful right about now.

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