Gosh! You are in so much pain. I'm sorry. It must be very difficult!
Could you tell me a bit more? Perhaps about your circstamces?
I'm living with 8 other people in a 1bhk, converted into a 2 bhk. I failed my master's degree program, and came back home. I lived outside for a year and half. When I came back it was depressing because of my failure. But also my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I became the empath of this house. I'm the youngest and I have always carried this burden to be the cheerful ray of sunshine. I have never loved for myself but always others. But I have just had it. I'm so done being caring and forgiving. I'm cursed to keep living in this misery forever. There is literally no way out.
I even tried to make my own life. But my family keeps dragging me back into this sinkhole. I just want my own life, my own identity. The only way that can ever happen is after they all die, because there is no other way to reason with them. I have this sharp rock in my throat forever, I wish my heart just stops when I have crying episodes. I have constantly failed at everything I ever did, I failed at life. I don't want it. I didn't ask for it. I hate living.
It pains me to hear what you're going through. It sounds like there is a feeling of being drowned in other people's problems. So much so that you have lost your own self.
I can feel your pain in your words.
You have a right to make space for yourself. If I may ask, when you try to distance yourself and they tried to hold you back, are there any fears that make you come back and give in?
You're not alone. There is support. If I may ask, have you ever considered seeking therapy?
Recently, my brother told me to see someone, so I booked an appointment from practo. But it was horrible, I ended up feeling so worthless and lost. I hated it. I poured my heart out, and I was only left with open wounds and more pain. I tried once in college too. But that was even worse. Also I feel once my family is involved in helping me, it's just my mind switches to defence mood. I just can't take help, and I give up already. I overthinking so much about what reactions they will have, and keep re running it in my mind. I wanted to go abroad but my dream was completely crushed even before I acted on it. So I ended up in a university which was nearby. That place had so much politics and groupism. They keep saying you can do whatever and fly as high as you want, but they just cut my legs, I can't even walk. I can't pretend to like this anymore, I'm so drained to constantly keep their emotions in check and making them believe on what an amazing parents they are. There is so much rage. This feeling of losing even before thinking of happiness is killing me, feel so helpless. Being the youngest in joint family I learnt people's body language and can predict what people think and react so it's a curse, that I already know what they feel. And there is no room for what I feel without thinking about what they feel. My brother says I'm caring, but I don't want to be, it's pure fear of failing that I care so much about their reactions. I'm just living my life in constant guilt. Every breath I take is so heavy filled with guilt I don't know what to feel anymore. I cry for hours everyday for almost a year. I can't stop crying it's involuntary. When I was molested by my brother in 9th grade, it was bad time for me. But this pile of shit now is worst. It's beyond repair.
When people fall in a sinkhole they fall, get hurt and get up, assess the situation and come up with a plan to get out. I feel I'm falling in a sinkhole. I have been falling for more than a year, I know when I hit the bottom, there is no way I get up. It's over. It's such a long wait. I just want this fall to be over.
There has been a pattern of my quiting first I failed my final year thesis. Jobs also in stress I thought of quiting. My family is more supportive of me quiting, I have no idea how to deal with stressful situations and emerge out of it without quiting. I have almost zero friends. I don't like to talk about my life. It's not like I quit when things get hard. I just suffer to the fullest. I feel my failures are legendary, no phoenix can come out of it. It's pure hell. Soul burned. Sometimes it's so bad I completely disassociate. I don't even feel like me anymore. It's like I'm living and at the same time I'm seeing myself as someone else, who could live like that. I myself can't believe I'm going through so much pain.
I again failed my master's program had a break-up and abortion. And came home, I failed, and grieved. And my real mom was diagnosed with cancer. I became the strength for her. But no one became strength for me. She had to suffer because of my sins.
It's only during the night I get some breather where I don't feel looked. I'm constantly putting this face whole day. At night I just let it go. I can't sleep but I'm at peace. I have so much in my mind, which runs free without restrictions. I eat junk. I'm miserable and cry to sleep, but it's just me being my true self. But lately during the day I'm not able to keep that face. I get angry, and irritated by everything.
Seems like I'm out of ear here
Hey, just saw your comments. I mean your going through a very negative phase in your life and we all have been through these very tough points in our life where we felt nothing was going right. I infact at one point of my life lost everything my job, love and family was also not supporting. But to really come out of these times you’ve got to be strong and that’s what I realised that times aren’t tough but people are. So be strong and stick around. Tc and be strong, we are here for you
You mention that the therapy session opened wounds for you. How many sessions did you go for before you stopped?
It seems like you're carrying the Blake for a lot of things. You mentioned that your mother suffered because of your sins? What makes you feel so?
I did open up in the first session, she even asked me to send her the material. I used the youper app, which collects data. I didn't feel like sharing, but I needed help. In the second session she said she will help. And kept saying how amazing she is and people she helped say good things about her. When I asked, can you be specific about me, she said she didn't have time to go through the material I sent. And the whole session was like how you go to a motivational speaker and there is literally nothing but just a built up, and hype. Everytime I asked about me, she kept using jargons I didn't understand like cognitive something..I felt so belittled and helpless. I can't start studying that just to understand. It was outright horrible, I even told her I don't understand what she is saying, and what I need to do. I felt I shouldn't have shared anything with her.
I have looked for answers for my suffering. You know how in Maharashtra the sons of krishna die because of his curse. They don't even know this suffering exists for them but they have to. A debt has to be paid. When people say bad things don't happen to bad people, they live a full life, but the debt has to be paid by family. It's a sick sadistic story written by God for their entertainment only. Or else there is no other way to justify my suffering, it's just chaotic and without any reason.
When I knew I was pregnant, I could feel the presence of an energy guiding me and giving strength. I knew that energy, and I knew it wasn't the right time and right baby. My brother helped me get through it. I had the strength from the energy to go through it.
But I don't feel it anymore. I feel my God is dead.
I feel our earth is just like a nucleus or a small DNA strand of an atom of a large organism and I feel it's dead, just lying deep in ground buried waiting to be decayed. I'm waiting to get decayed, because there is no life anymore.
I know it's a lot. And I have tried to self help. But I just need help with the constant crying, eating without feeling and the lump in my throat. The pain is physical. And I don't know if I can be helped.