Struggling because of mother
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I am just really tired of feeling emotionally exhausted and drained by my mother. We had a long history, and I almost feel bad to say this out loud, that i hate her, and it shouldn't be like that, right? But my mom is my biggest trigger. She provokes me and brings out all the worst in me. She exhausts me financially and doesn't want me to improve any aspect in my life so she can still control me. I am also frustrated because of my inability to forgive her. She cheated and left my dad and basically destroyed our family when i was very young. And more than a decade later, we fell into a big fight. She provoked me and make it seem like my anger is always displaced. So i told her my deep rooted anger is caused by her. And she blamed her cheating on me! She said she cheated on my father for me to be able to continuen studying?? When she used to leave me alone at house to go on dates with that man. I was only 9 -12 yrs old that time! She pinned the breaking of our family on me! And fast forward to another decade now, she still plays the victim always puts the blame on me. Slight surge on electricity, blames me. Her missing pen, blames me. I know i should just leave her, but she's expert at playing victim and manipulating everyone around her into turning everyone against you. She already did that to my cousin. I am sooo soo exhausted. And i can no longer see myself being relieved when she has shackle on my neck. At my age, i gave up wanting my own family because anyone associated with me, she thinks she still owns. She thinks i owe her all my life because she "gives birth to me" and its only right i give her a whole chunk of my pay, my time, my attention, because its my obligation as her child. I can only think of escape when i disappear. I developed a really bad insomnia because of her, i could not sleep or put my body on to relax statr when she is near (i dont have my own room) . And she even blamed my insomnia on me, like its my fault and that i am not struggling. Like right now, i just don't want to wake up when i fall asleep.

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