symptoms of depression, realised during lockdown

Depression

Coronavirus

Sometimes, pain is just a small word to explain. It all began with a trigger I don't really remember...it's been years now when I've found peace In crying my heart out alone at night...But after a point, suddenly in quarantine, is when I began craving for love... craving for comfort, for pampering. They say depression, anxiety, etc doesn't always have one reason, so does mine...I can't give one reason for feeling like this.. I can't remember exactly when but I remember what a pain it has been to feel like this, crying so much everyday and literally praying to God to not wake me up the next , crying myself to sleep, losing interest in things that used to have my heart, like art music. Waking up and struggling to get out of bed even to face online lectures, lack of self interest, losing of self confidence, and the worst of all was struggling to sleep...it takes freaking 3-4hourse to call fall asleep and waking up within 4-5hrs and again struggling an hour or half to sleep again. Everyday struggle to face the world became so difficult that giving up felt like a difficult but best option . But lack of guts to end made the struggle worser. Then I saw a ray of hope, an explaination that this pause will make me more matured..and things were improving until another trigger that broke that shattered me again, putting me into this black hole I'm falling into, unable to get out. Because the worst of all was when despite of facing all this, you be the nice one out , be a good listener to everyone around, but when you look up for help, you lose hope each time you try. Now , it's not that all days are difficult, or all mornings are hard, it's just stuck between trying to figure out if things have improved or are the same. Mornings are fresh and good, sometimes in the afternoons the fall begins and then by night it's a let's cry it out alone again to avoid carrying baggage to the next day . Again losing interest in things I had begun to love, death is feeling the better option on a few days still, not daily though... Let's see if it can get any better ever! Thanks for listening, even the hope in me that you might revert makes things lighhter at my end! Thanks and I'll eagerly wait! Bye ;)

manuuu

10 Answers

Sunshineme

Hi Manuuu Yes, quarantine has made it difficult for all of us and it gets to us in a worse way possible. You crave for love, and there is nothing wrong in that. We all need someone who cares for us. Can you tell a bit more if you dated in past or about your family and your relation with them

Sahitya MG

Hi mannu thankyou for reaching out. I understand it might be tough for to be in this state for a long time. But it's not the there is light at the end of the tunnel. You pain will shred and your zeal to see each day as unique and worth living will come into play. Let's work on this together. Can you elaborate on what is the trigger you are talking about. Can you share about your family and your bond?

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Trigger i spoke about is about the bonds I've had specifically to do with family. As we grow into teens from kids or young adults from teens, this is one particular age when family matters to most of s, we incline towards love from family, but tbh in my case, every time ive craved from love from family, there hasnt been love ive seen to look up for. Constant arguments and negativity is hat ive seen. not that we've had bad days as a family, but the ratio of good to bad has always just been too less good. I have tried my best to understand, adjust, but tears are something that give me peace. Parents only argue so much that it effects my mental peace , that even when I crave for being loved, its just in vain. EAch day around at home, I just feel more drained out , more tired than the earlier. Ive tried to explain,talk make parents understand that I need help, soo much negativity is too much for me to take, but its simply been in vain. 2 days just for the sake, things look alight, but again we are back into the black hole. ive tried to even look and open up to bestfrieds, who make me feel like family, but doest it after a point feel too much negativity . i have been at the listening end of issues to a few friends, so ik after a point it gets too much to take. you cant explain each pain you feel into words. the pain just humbles you, makes you over sensitive. to put in short, pain is so freaking tiring and your way of crying yourself to sleep, with plans to wake up atleat half way peacefully the nxt day are shattered, when you have to wake up to a noise disturbace, and arguments in the family , that are being carried forward today sicne yesternight! triggers in short are just lack of love in my case, from family, but when its frieds youve to sometimes hold back, because after all, noones life is perfect, why add onto someone elses baggage when you already fear losing them.

It seems that you have have been carrying a lot of Baggage. I invite you to write a letter or an email to your family where you talk about your pain,what is bothering you,what is the way that they can help you out, what are you expecting them to be ?. I want you to vent out every bit of anger , frustration,sadness everything. Write it in a way that you aren't not being too harsh on them or blaming them but the point of view that they will understand you and they are here to help you ,they care for you and love you. And send that email or the letter to them.

I love with my family and have tried talking as well as writing out. Its really in vain. all it concludes is to statements like , you don't need to be so depressed , or typical attitude its just your badluck maybe is what I get back after hours of crying and discussions with them

i live with my family( sry was a typo error)

I understand. Try taking one on one session with expert . So that you can work on your worry and pain. And together come up with a solution.

Ok thankyou, the reason i havent gone for a paid session is due to not having money saved up at all, maybe sometime later, ill do that. but honestly, thank you so much for listening.

Giddy_lark

Hi Manu, I can understand what exactly you are going through. I have went through the same, or maybe even worst. But, in your age(I hope you are a student, from what you said) I wasn't brave enough to share my experience in a public platform. I really appreciate this. You are doing great. In my case, art and books have helped me to deal with depression. Find what got your interest. It will definitely help you. Love and hugs.

Thankyou so muchh, for your concern and kind words. Yes am a student, I did hesitate a lot to express openly like this. but what I realised is , this is not revealing my identity , so it felt a little cool. yes I am an artist so art and reading helped, but not always, but looking at the brighter side, yeah they help and I'm glad about these. lots of positivity to you too ;)

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