trying to heal from an abusive relationship
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Trying to heal from an abusive relationship... Well, I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 4 years. The first year was amazing. The 2nd year was when the issues started. I made a mistake. I was a social butterfly. Loved being active on social media. I am an athlete. As a result of which, I'd compare my body with other fitness freaks. So there was this one thing. 5 months into the relationship, I sent a picture of myself (fully clothed, not showing skin) to this guy. And my then boyfriend found out about it after a year into our relationship. All hell broke loose that day. He found out when I had left my phone with him by mistake and he decided to go through the whatsapp media of people I texted. And this came up. He was pissed. (Which made sense to me after 3 years. My nipple was slightly visible and the shape of my body could be seen. I was 17 when I sent it. And I take responsibility for that) He started doubting me about everything. Didn't believe one word I spoke. There were instances when I lied to him afraid of unnecessary consequences. I'd come clean to him after sometime (mostly because I was scared of him finding out) Things slowly escalated to him isolating my from the outside World. I deleted all of my social media accounts and made him my World. Spent all my time with him. Gave up on things I loved doing. Hobbies and all. We hungout all the time. This was a co-dependent relationship now. Only he had his gang of friends and I had no one except him. If I went out it was with him. If I wanted to go out without him, I HAD TO TELL HIM ABOUT IT. Otherwise he'd go mad. And slowly it was about my academic choices too. I wanna go to this conference? I had to ask him first. Letting him know wasn't enough. I had to literally ASK if I could go. All of this was new to me. My parents raised me to be an independent girl. They let me do my thing. But after I got attached to this guy, I started going against my parents. He would encourage it. I told my parents that he was my best friend. Whenever they doubt this, he'd go mad and encourage me to throw a tantrum about how they could doubt me. I'd do exactly as he said (So stupid and naive) At this point, I'm spending all of my time with him. I've got no friends. As a girl who grew up alone and was lonely a lot, this was what I wanted. He loved me and cared for me. He gave me all his time. What more could a girl want right? My relationship with my dad is non-existent. He's abroad working hard I dont blame him. Whatever attention I wasnt getting from my dad, this guy was showering me with it. So I called it love and stuck with him I guess? And slowly, I get to know the real him. He has extreme anger issues. A hot head. Is known for getting into physical fights. Believes that power lies in violence. Used violence a lot. Idealised Adolf Hitler. He slowly starts verbally abusing me. Calls me names. Says stuff I dont like hearing. Yells. Hurts me a lot using words. To me, this was all coming from a person who has chosen to be closest to me and has given all his time. I didnt want to lose this. So I swallow it all and put up with it. He made me cry on all of my birthdays when we were together. He used to openly call me a slut. I tried explaining to him, I didnt try to seduce the guy and that it was an honest mistake. I never repeated it. Hell, I gave up my social life entirely to make up for it. Ik it's difficult for a boyfriend to process that his gf sent a picture to some other guy. Ik its difficult to move on. I waited for him to finally be over it. But he never really got around to that. Blamed me, made me cry, took all my time, etc etc etc. During the 3rd year of our relationship, he goes missing. Reason, I still don't know but my parents say he was imprisoned. He was gone for 3 solid months. Which separated me from him. Made the relationship kind of normal? Eliminated the co-dependency thing. It sort of opened my eyes. And I could see clearly. That how mean he had been to me all along. Shaping and moulding me into something he likes. He comes back, and his parents ground him for a year. This was the toughest year (the final year) of our relationship. This is where issues escalated to another level because I was no more silent. I was reacting to the things he did to me. He became physically aggressive one day. Me who used to think he'd protect me against the World, now thinks "if he turns against me, I have nobody else to turn to". I still remember that one evening when I just wound up helplessly at a cafe and cried. All by myself.. Rewinding the same incident over and over again. It was a stupid fight. He made me look like an idiot before his mother. I didn't like the way he had addressed my mother in the conversation. So we fought. During which he punched his cupboard hard and chased me out of his house. This was all happening before his mother. I just cried and left. And went to a cafe nearby.. Worst day.. I still remember how I felt that day. By now, I knew I had to change things in this relationship if I don't want things to escalate. Now physical aggression, then what would be next? I hated the feeling I felt that evening and didn't want to feel that way ever again. So, I got close with 2 friends of mine and start opening up about the relationship. One of the 2 friends was a guy who had a crush on me. And I used to like him too. I asked for a break from the relationship. Both my friends asked me to break up. There was too much damage so I prevented myself from thinking for almost 2 months. I had to process a 2 year relationship. It was all bottled up, now it all coming out at once. I just couldn't accept what was going on. I wanted to not think about what was going on. I was in a constant state of intoxication. I was leaning on these 2 for emotional support. And I flirted with the guy I used to like amidst this, to make myself feel better about the whole situation. I start hanging out with this guy and my ex finds out. He hacks into my whatsapp and goes through my convos with these 2 people. Btw my ex told me not to talk to this guy I used to like (on whom I relied upon for support) but after he hurt me, I didn't want to listen to him. I disregarded his words and continued talking to him. So my ex hacks into my phone. Gets to know about what was going on. And starts harassing the guy I liked. He then harasses me too by threatening to literally kill me. I had asked him for a break up but he was too broken to listen to me. He kept calling me and texting me. Trying to provoke me and instill fear in me. Ig he liked intimidating me. He came home and created a scene in front of my mom. I told my parents a little bit about what was going on. I didnt tell that we were in a relationship. I told my mom all about the abuse. She was furious. My parents stood beside me like a rock. The guy I liked also stopped talking to me after his dad asked him not to. After ALLLLLLLLLLL of this. We still managed to get back together thinking it's love, blah blah. We hungout. But his anger never changed. He still continued yelling and hurting me. He never changed his ways. He proved to me that he was capable of hurting me better than before, no matter how many times he had hurt me. I used to cry all the time. Was unhappy all the time. I wanted to get out. But I was afraid of becoming lonely. I didn't want to be alone. And I didn't have friends for support either. So, I just tried putting up. I changed my ways of reacting to him. I handled him in a mature way. Reinstated what was okay, what was not okay and what was unacceptable. I spoke to him like how I speak to a toddler. THIS seemed to work for a couple of days. But then again, it was worse again. The final straw was when he abused me to such an extent that it drove me to commit suicide.. I remember the day I left home thinking that day WAS IT. That I was gonna end my life. He drove me nuts. He brought the worst in me. I held a knife to my hand and he said it was good acting. To prove its not, I cut myself. Ahhh it was such an emotional roller coaster! I put a rigid stop to it when I cut my wrist.. I told him we were done. We had broken up. But we continued talking after. I let him know we were friends only. Tbh our communication was getting better. I had a sports injury and still recovering from it. It was recently when he drove me nuts again. I was no longer the girl who was silently putting up with his shit. I burst out in anger and that was the last day. I told him to block me and he did. We haven't spoken till now.. Im physically suffering from the injury. Mentally, I've got no friends so I'm extremely depressed. I sign up in one of these dating apps and quickly felt overwhelmed from the amount of attention I was getting. This was all new for me. Guys treating me with kindness, ready to do things for me to win me over. This was all a shocker for me who has never been taken out on a proper date.. There is still a lot more.. Like another instant when my ex tried getting intimate with me and I said no, trusting he'd understand and leave me alone. I was dealing with a child sexual abuse case professionally and it was triggering my trauma so I just didnt want to do anything. Plus, i had WAY TOO MANY unresolved issues with him. And when I told him that he asked me why was I making him suffer for something someone else did to me (the sexual abuse) This was the most recent one. A couple many have happened throughout the relationship. So yeah. I'm still confused. I dont know what to do. Can someone please help me out??? Otherwise I'm afraid I might end my life trying to cope up...

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