Hey! Thanks for reaching out. I am sure it must be really difficult to deal with. I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you’re making every effort to cope up with it. 7 years is a long time, i am sure that person must be special. I am sure you must have accepted it as well. The void that is there can never be replaced. Try to fully embrace it, try remeber the good memories you had and be grateful for their time in your life. You mentioned about bottling up your feelings. Please express, share them here. How do you feel? What do you feel? Your heart aches because you never express. Try to talk about it. It’s okay to talk about your grief.

yes, he was my best buddy since childhood, we have great memories together, we had alot of things common and dance was one of our favourite passion, we used to watch videos and learn the forms together, wished to perform in our school fest in future, but after an year his father got transfer and he had to go,change his schooling. we kept our contacts though calls, gradually facebook, after some years we got a chance to meet in Bangladesh. i was so happy to meet him but i actually went there for my cousin's marriage

but i felt a gap between us. i felt that. still tried to make conversation. i felt like hes stopping himself and trying to be more rational. later we spoke out, he said he was afraid of his mom since they got divorced over a woman and she's on her own with her son, having a grudge since he was hindu and she was muslim. we planned to make her understand that its not about religion its about feelings and reaponsiblity but she was not ready to accept. so he used to meet me secretly, while saying his mom " yeah i came to have nimbu paani with dost' xD we had really fun, exploring a new place and i cherish them.

while talking about childhood he said ' i got a dance competition if i can win ill treat you with the reward ill get' i said sure lets practice like we used to

we practiced more than week later my sister's wedding was about to happen. we enjoyed in that wedding and he was doing practice alone. after i was planning to get back india, i encouraged him to perform well. when i get back to india after a day. i was calling him to wish him all the best but he didnt pick up his phone, after some hour i tried again. still no answer. after two days i got call from unknown no. her mom was screaming on me i was the reason he went to that competition, he met an accident and died. i didnt believed. she kept on acusing me, screaming on me i was the reason he said yes to perform outside dhaka. i was in shock that couldnt explain how it feels.

i felt her pain but i felt more personally. i regret not hugging him for once more. it was really hard to back im my normal life, i hit people screamed on them, went outside alone, everything was irritatimg was me even if someone smiles in front of me. i started punching wall, crying all day being doomed in my room, while my parents were busy with their work, my brother left his house when i was 14, i neva had someone that close with whom i can share

i tried to find someone with whom i can share, i tried making friends but they wanted more than friendship. it was not really working while rumous strarted to spread that i use and throw guys and im a slut and more more. my classmates strarted to avoid me, kept on backbitching about me, even bullied me in school from 10-4 pm. teachers started picking me as an example of weakest student in class and kept on insulting me, while they never asked whats the reason behind this.

This is really heartbreaking to know. I am sure you must have felt really traumatised. Ehy don’t you talk to your teachers that this thing hurts you. And people who are talking about you are already below you that’s why they are trying to bring you down. Focus on the positive aspect. Set a goal for yourself. How do you want to see yourself?

my english was the only person who helped me out during that time, he suggested me invest time more into libery than socialising with friends. and it was actually helping me. later as rumours started to spread that theres something with my english teacher. i told my mom to change my school after boards. i finally got the chance to get out of that toxic zone. it was all good. then a bugglery happened in my house while i went for music jamming. my mom blames if i wouldve stayed home this wouldve never happened. later we found it was our tenant. they took all our gold assets, and liquid cash, destroyed matress chair, and other furnitures and things, when i came home it was all mess. i was scared, alone didnt even had my lunch i tried to find out what the hell has happened. my mom still feels depressed of what happed in 2016, and every damn time she blames it was my fault

after that accident my father took retirement and came india. he started showing his jobless frustration for no reason, i desperately wanted to study abroad so i did my best and cracked NIFT to study in shillong but at that point of time i was in love with a guy but staying here will make me more frustrated with parents, so i left home went Shillong, all nee experience, new friends, fun, explore. it was really all good. later assignments started to pile, but i was good at multitasking, so we talk while working all night.

i tried my best to give him my time, but he took it for granted. he started calling me every damn time whenever he want. i explained that its really hard to talk everytime with you. it was 12th december 2019 there was a big rally for NRC CAA. me and my friends was about to get back to dorm. suddenly it was all chaos, bomb blust, people running, gun shots, and he was calling me at tye moment. we ran like anything fr there and tried to take a cab. i confirmed about this to my mom. later situation became worse, media was not allowed to expose this massacre but our exams prosponed and there was not data, not even a proper network to call, gradually theres no connection between us. after exams when i get back to home town i got my data back, i was very happy to call him but i saw his message that he dont trust me, i called him and ask, he was throwing his opinions instead of listening to me. i didnt said anything after that i said i did try my best to give you time whenever i had its possible and in the end you dont trust me. he didnt replied and we didnt spoke.

it feels like i always do for wrong people. so i stopped making someone whom i can share, love connect and started being with my own problems. i kept on trying observing people, their traits, likings and learning. after this lockdown. its been an year im home and family issues started strongly.

staying with my father us a new experience now, he is always aggressive,hard to explain, talk, even if you walk by side he will curse you for sure. he is pulling out his stress to me as my mom dont speak to her more than a year. but we are in the same house, and i had to convey the messages in between my parents, sometimes its funny but mostly its hard. we stay, but we dont talk unless its an agenda. i didnt wanted a family like this, neither my childhood nor my relation

not even a family celebration that we had nicely. its ok to see people being rude and when your family does the same, you feel like youre all alone, struggling for sleep, peace. from last year im getting to have episodes of vertigo, sometimes vomitting, i saw doctors did my MRI but it all came normal. then a doctor suggested me some med for migraine, after i had them i felt really sleepy and lazy but , honestly it didnt work for my head spin. even today morning i have it for 2 mins straight, no matter i change my positions. after spashing water i felt better.

This is a lot to process. What you have been experiencing is definitely very difficult. I am glad you took the right decision for yourself in terms of relationship. And I am glad that you know what you want and you work for it, like moving to shillong, studying what you want. All of it shows that you have the courage to move on. This pandemic has affected us all in different ways, considering your family situation why don’t you talk to your family about how you feel and how unhealthy the environment has become. All of you can talk and sort how you can make things easy for each other.

in the beggining i tried, even my brother came during this pandemic, he tried as well but everytime we ended up fighting and big chaos in house, ill treatment. neither my dad nor my mom is ready to listen whats wrong or how we can make up a to a solution. they think they are right everytimd and if i say something logical they start to miss use their power right away. i dont even have friends to go out have little time, since my school life was mess now brother went abroad and im alone here with my parents, now its getting really hard. my father suddenly shouting sometimes for no reason (we dont talk) while doing online class, or over conference calls for group work, its really embrrssing, they ask me whats wrong, i say no its my neibour. everytime my dad go out he never says where he goes and you know what, recently my mom was out for work, my dad was sick, i didnt even thought once how he illtreated me or my mom or brother. After got well, started behaving the same damn way. i always feel like my brother and i are far more matured than our parents. we fight too, least we listen to each other

That’s good! I am glad you share a healthy bond with your brother. Do you think you both can talk to your parents about the situation?

we did trying alot of times virtually, pysically, but it didnt work, they are not at all ready to listen, not even talk to us

Take some time, and let them know you huys wants to talk. Whenever they’re ready you can all sit and politely bring this topic up.

ive been trying this for years. now im only waiting to leave home.

It will only make you escape the situation which is temporary. Look for a permanent option. Try to sort things out.

how :/

Let them know that you guys want to talk.