unable to express emotions
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I wrote a very long message in a small Instagram group that consists of two of my closest friends and deleted it. When I pressed back, Instagram had alreasy found ads that match my recent messaging activity, and that led my to this platform. And now, i am blank. The moment I realized I CAN possibly get help, my mind simply forgets everything. But even so, I'll try to put it out. I have always felt like I'm a depressing presence for my friends. Conversation with me always leads to this hollow feeling for my friends, they feel tired after talking to me. I'm silent in groups, bit i like being there, sometimes. My college group of friends wasn't exactly a healthy one for me, they indulged in drinking, smoking and other things that simply make me uncomfortable. And after covid, I decided to cut off from them for good. And slowly I cut myself off from everyone (except my boyfriend, who's also a very good friend, we do enjoy our conversations mutually). I feel this pressure to really engage with too many people. Often it's more of a social obligation. But then again I also end up feeling very lonely and left out. And often betrayed that those who i care about didn't even check up on me when i stopped approaching them. Like those two colse friends in the Instagram group (not the same as the college group) are still in constant touch with each other but not me. I don't know how I can maintain contact without making myself or them feel tired, and without feeling lonely after weeks of isolation. I'man extrovert in professional settings, i can talk extensively when i have guidelines about what i should talk about. But with friends? I just can't think of good things to talk about. I am more used to listening without reacting. Or just being present but invisible. And i also don't respect the boundaries i set for myself. I set rules but i never follow them. I feel like I'm so violable, I'm so expendable, I'm usable. But I'm afraid that stems from the way I actually treat my self and my friends. I don't know how to tell what is up.

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