Just had a fight with mom. I was about to do a family prayer, rosary to be precise, I am a devoted Catholic. I shouldn't say this about my parent but she likes making the situation worse,she likes to add fuel to the fire. She likes gaining sympathy. I miss Dadda, I really do. I lost him during this Covid situation and the pain of losing the only person who stood by me no matter what keeps hurting me like it's fresh. I sometimes wish no not sometimes,I feel like I would be better off dead and still it wouldn't matter. I tried to die multiple times and was even saved twice. I had different plans for my life. I want to be a writer a LEGIT GODDAMN WRITER, and I'm working a 9-5 job since dad passing away left a big responsibility. Now I being the eldest never complaint, never asked for anything in life. Content with what I get but the never ending demand, multiple bills, financial crisis, and not a single elder person to provide an aid to me. Like legit no one at all. Damn, I'm LEGIT ALONE. THIS feels like I'm gaining a sympathy, Sorry I'm not able to explain properly how I feel and what's happening, I google things like how to die, why do I feel like dying, What would happen after I am gone. How can I get a deadly disease which might limit my time span. I am so done with things that I don't mind dying even with Cancer or any suffering. I did fight Cancer already when I was in 9th grade. I wish I was never born at all or never existed. Sorry to dictate my sob story, I won't be surprised if no one even reads it. Thank you.