Unhealthy relationship with mother

Question

Just had a fight with mom. I was about to do a family prayer, rosary to be precise, I am a devoted Catholic. I shouldn't say this about my parent but she likes making the situation worse,she likes to add fuel to the fire. She likes gaining sympathy. I miss Dadda, I really do. I lost him during this Covid situation and the pain of losing the only person who stood by me no matter what keeps hurting me like it's fresh. I sometimes wish no not sometimes,I feel like I would be better off dead and still it wouldn't matter. I tried to die multiple times and was even saved twice. I had different plans for my life. I want to be a writer a LEGIT GODDAMN WRITER, and I'm working a 9-5 job since dad passing away left a big responsibility. Now I being the eldest never complaint, never asked for anything in life. Content with what I get but the never ending demand, multiple bills, financial crisis, and not a single elder person to provide an aid to me. Like legit no one at all. Damn, I'm LEGIT ALONE. THIS feels like I'm gaining a sympathy, Sorry I'm not able to explain properly how I feel and what's happening, I google things like how to die, why do I feel like dying, What would happen after I am gone. How can I get a deadly disease which might limit my time span. I am so done with things that I don't mind dying even with Cancer or any suffering. I did fight Cancer already when I was in 9th grade. I wish I was never born at all or never existed. Sorry to dictate my sob story, I won't be surprised if no one even reads it. Thank you.

Sunshineme · Answer

Your such a strong person ❤️ And inspiration that you take care of people in your family. It takes a lot but one thing I feel you should do is take out time for yourself 😊. If yiu want to be a writer then save money and manager your expenses better then leave.

zoya_ahmad · Answer

Hey! I am sure this must be really difficult for you to process all this. Have you tried talking to your mother and letting her know how her actions have been affecting you.

Simran7315 · Answer

Talking with my mother? My mom tends to turn the situation towards her making her the victim of every fight and every story. If I even try to tell her how toxic it feels the only thing that might happen is she will try telling me all the hardships she went through and what I feel is nothing in comparison to her problems. Everyone got problems but be it small or big everyone has the right to feel what they feel and right to keep their thoughts right. Am I not a bad person to nake someone feel that their pain ain't worth it. But my mom does that. I once even indirectly hinted in a fight that the way our relationship is it will end up making me do something wrong but guess my mom started with the line that everyone has to die eventually

zoya_ahmad · Answer

Do you think you can move out?

Lunalovesgood · Answer

Hey....i completely understand what you are feeling right now..even when your closed ones do not understand what you try to explain..when they talk to you  in a manner so you suffer more than you actually were ...I don't know if they are intentional or not but sharing their sufferings only to belittle what we are going through and taking it to be no big deal is the worst feeling in the world....I think you should take a break from all these problems for now and relax...

hello

Frustrating

help me please

how do I change for the better?