i know the feeling I too get very competitive and sometimes it's with people I shouldn't sometimes it's just a conversation or just a game but to me it's a lot more than that and I'm assuming for you it is that way as well? so sorry to change yourself in an instant it won't work and will feel terrible but do reflect on the fact that you grew up feeling like you had to be the best and you're still trying to prove that but you don't have to and reflect on how it drains your emotional energy when you lose