long term self harm and multiple psychological triggers
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I'm not sure where to begin. Most of the times I feel like I am faking my feelings and emotions, not only to others, but to myself as well. I feel like I have been seeking attention through emotional means. But at times, when my emotions (I don't know if I should trust them) worsen, I feel like I'm actually feeling something, like I'm in touch with them. I have been struggling with self-harm since 7 years and I have been clean for 2 months. I relapse over extreme psyche overload (eg: family fights at the extreme level). I, most of the times, don't understand what is happening to me. I recognize that somedays I'm slow in movements, I isolate myself even more and barely make efforts to even reply to anyone at home. I'm an introvert, so I barely make efforts to stay connected with my friends and I ghosted a lot of my friends during this lockdown by blocking them everywhere since I had gone a major heartbreak and i wanted a major change in my life. I don't regret ghosting them. I barely trust anyone, i feel like most people hate me and are against me. I belong to an Indian household where parents think it's okay to hit a child violently. I went through that during my childhood until 15 years old. My anger issues make me want to always hurt myself. I bang my hand against the wall or cut myself if I can't control the anger. Recently, 2 months ago, i had a similar situtation of being hit by a parent over banging the door and a bowl; i do understand my mistake but I still haven't overcome the beatings even though I had once gotten used to it. I know my parents aren't bad people, their approach had just been wrong and thankfully it hasn't been passed on to my younger brother. it's been more than half a year since I have been zoning out. I am left drained and at 0% brain energy post zone-out. I feel disconnected to my surroundings but I know and can see that i am indeed present here. I can hear everything around me but I barely wanna come back to reality and focus back. I start arguing with myself if I'm being fake or not. I can barely concentrate on my studies. A minute in and I'm already distracted or sometimes zoned out. It happens often. Even when someone is talking to me, i feel uncomfortable to look them in the eyes or face them, it feels awkward, i get distracted by the surroundings and mindlessly reply to them even though I can hear what they're saying yet I subconsciously use my logical reasoning to answer them. I often feel like i had no memory of moments from the past with a person I've had troubles with. I have been meaning to see a therapist because a lot of things have been overloading my mind. But I cannot because I don't want my parents to worry about this and spend cash on me. I am unable to provide myself at the age of 20 since I'm still in college. I have been trying to stay productive lately, but my ability to focus is extremely bad. When I open up, I feel like nothing is wrong, but I know that something isn't okay. I'm still questioning myself if I'm being honest or not. I'm not sure what else to say.

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