too much attachment towards a celebrity crush
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Three years ago I fell for a celebrity. Fell would be an understatement and completely inaccurate, which is something I realised later on, because  what I felt would be best termed as an Obsession. Everyone has celebrity crushes , and I had had many before as well so it was not alarming at all, it was quite enjoyable actually, it was exactly how people describe falling in love feels like. The constant state of curiosity about them , the jittery butterflies in the stomach, the feeling that you are invincible and that everything around you is happy. I honestly had always had fleeting crushes before this so it was all new and refreshing to me. I was excited to learn and find out about everything related to him, which was detrimental for me as I was in a prime school year and needed to give as much attention as possible to my studies to set my career path straight, But with the entry of my celebrity crush everything else automatically came to a halt. I expected it to be a fleeting crush 2-3 weeks max and then I’ll get bored but it stayed....everyday I used to be consuming his content while mentally thinking I was somehow getting closer to this perfect guy. I went through a lot of up and down that year with my parents teacher and friend all witnessing my change, complains filed against me by teachers who used to always be proud of my academics , my friends saw me becoming someone who only had one thing on her mind and tongue. I remember spending times filling up pages writing his name , I even filled up a book. After a month things took turn for the worst , I remember not being to sleep due to constant thoughts and fantasies about him, my sleep and eat schedule was messed up entirely. When people started noticing,I remember being angry at myself first like I knew I had to do good in my academics and make everyone proud, so I started punishing myself so that I stop thinking about him, hurting myself in the process. A part of me always knew it was unhealthy so I tried to find best measures to stop myself but failed time and again. It’s like I couldn’t STOP. My entire life changed as months passed..... I was in my happy bubble relishing one sided happy memories, taking to heart whatever sweet things he said on camera as If he was saying it to me. It was a glorious times tho I kept realising my academics were getting affected and that wasn’t acceptable to my parents so I tried pushing him away with no success. I lost friendships and chances at relationships and quite frankly I lost a lot of my mental stability.... it was like as time went on I forgot the line between what’s right and wrong. Everything anybody does is either for him or against him, anybody tried to tell me they liked him too ? I would wage wars , intimidate them , get aggressive. I would find myself in thoughts that are punishable by offence just to be able to get him to me. My friends got into the liking some celebrities too so it never felt like I was any different or weird , i always knew I was different from them because  the intensity I had couldn’t be seen in them, but I just relished in the superiority of it. I stopped finding anyone attractive, nobody could measure up , so I talked with nobody when on contrary  I used to be a very cool flirt before. I wanted nobody just my friends and him. Fast forward to bumpy but still enjoyable (or so I thought) 2 years , things started muting down I wasn’t as aggressive but I still lived like that. I lost complete sense of who I was , who I used to be. My only personality trait was him and anything related to him. My family saw the craziness.... as much I was willing to show them which was next to nothing. My cousin sister showed concern for me when she told my mother I might need help, following a drunk confession I made to her the previous night. ( I started occasional drinking to mirror him )  I thought life was going great but I also knew it was very distressful. It was like I was living 100% but not for me. I loved being consumed by him but after a while the things started feeling weird.  I have been passionate about psychology since a early age, and I know I have enough intellectual capacity to manoeuvre around complex problems, but this one was like a quicksand. It was foreign to me and very hard to find out about on the internet. I was in distress by year 3..... I started feeling deprived and touch starved. It was like I gave my 100% and was now left with 0.  I remember earlier this year having a full blown mental breakdown and a panic attack because he overwhelmed me so much. I labelled it love, too much of it. Went through a lot of stuff to get here which is 2 months sober without any obsessive relapse. I cut off my contact with him after his birthday this year and am trying to live my life sans him since then.... not gonna lie it was hard , it’s still very hard but my life is turning around slowly and steadily, I started talking to actual guys in my life and found a flame or two. Set myself for a career in psychology, something I always wanted to do!  It’s just I was through it and back all alone and with so many FAILURES I AM AFRAID I WON’T ACTUALLY SUCCEED THIS TIME EITHER. I feel pathetic when I think about it, and I know I need help. I just don’t know exactly what I am doing to get out of that mindset is gonna be effective or not, if it’s right or where to start either. Any guidance and analysis is welcome

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