unable to cope with a break up
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I, 20 years old, just broke up with my boyfriend, 20 years old, again, for the second time, but hopefully for good this time. I had earlier posted about how controlling and over possessive my parents are and I literally can't do anything about it, not atleast I start earning or get into a college away from them. Earlier my boyfriend came to my place, mumbai, after 8 months of staying away and it was the most wonderful thing. Because of the pandemic we both had gone back to our hometowns but due to some issues in his family he decided to come back to, pune, where we have our college and stay in his flat there. His hometown, bhopal, is very very far away from mine, mumbai, but now that he is in Pune, it is only 4 hours away from my place. I had thought of visiting him this time but my parents literally denied it and are not letting me go anywhere, on top of it, i can't tell them the real reason of why I want to go because I basically have to hide my relationship from them or else they won't let me continue college. Even after that I was ready to run away for a day to meet him but here's the actual problem. My periods started today and what my boyfriend said to me was, "don't come today, come after your periods end." and when I asked him why, he said that if I come now then the purpose of my visit would be destroyed. When I asked what he meant by it, he said that he was basically calling me to just have sex. I am a person who is super scared of my parents, especially my dad because all my life I have been raised that way, in a way where i was never even allowed to raise my voice. After I started dating him I started speaking up a bit for him and for myself. I did start changing a bit. But change is gradual, he can't expect me to all of a sudden be like "I'm leaving you" to my parents. My parents, without sugarcoating things, are gaslighting narcissistic parents and the fact that I have to hide my relationship and be very careful around them restricts me from satisfying all my boyfriend's needs. I talked about this with him today and he said that he does not know what he did to deserve this treatment and y does he have to suffer because I have parents as such. I don't know how to respond to that. He said that i am not devoted to him like his friend's girlfriends are and that he feels like I am using him for emotional comfort. I have his name changed in my contacts so that my mom and dad don't see it, I go out on a walk every evening for 2 hours because that is the only time i am allowed to stay out on my own just to talk to him for 2 hours everyday and I video call him every night for an hour after my parents fall asleep so that no one catches me. I text him to ask him if he has eaten, if he feels well, if he wants to talk or needs anything at all and this is the best that I can give him for now considering my situation. After all this he says that he does not feel that I love him and that I do nothing for him and compares me to his friends girlfriends and says that he does not know why he is in a relationship with me and feels like it is a punishment. He says he stopped loving me after our last fight. He told me this today after almost 2 months of that fight. he only cares for me and does not love me and so he was in a relationship with me. He says that he does not know what he is waiting for as I don't satisfy any of his needs. After listening to all this I realised he is somewhat right and he says that I play the victim card being the helpless person because that is my attitude and he says he is wasting his time and life being with me. I clearly told him that the situation at my home won't change for another year or at least till our college starts up again but he says he thinks that the situation will never change. I told him I am doing the best I can for him and doing everything in my power right now and he said "If you are allowed to do only so much for me or for anyone because of your parents then why are u even alive right now?" I am told that I am like a child who just wants to be loved but does not really know how to love back because all my life I have been so controlled by everyone that I don't really know how to do stuff for myself or how to live on my own. With the situation at my house I don't think anyone deserves to have a gf or even a friend like me cause I can't basically satisfy anyone because I am not allowed to do anything. Atleast not till I actually have enough money to move out. I live in India and it is not that easy for a person here to just run away and move out just like that, so that is really not an option right now. So I really think that I should only stay alone so that no one gets hurt by me cause I won't really be able to do much for anyone. tl;dr : I do not know how to summarise the entire thing into a small para but I basically feel that because I cannot, at the moment, satisfy anyone's needs, I should just stay alone so that no one gets hurt by the expectations they hold from me. I've been alone all my life and having a bf was like a dream that now I have woken up from and it is a dream i should never dream of again.

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