There's recently this kind of funny feeling I've been feeling in my chest since yesterday. It isn't bad or anything, but kinda like jittery, uneasy thing that I can't explain. I never had any anxiety before. But I think I've been in depression since a long time because if it's not that, then this phase has lasted for a hell of a long time with no escaping route seeable in the future. Depression runs in my genes, actually. I am always so tired, distracted, unmotivated and drained that day to day activities seem like a huge chore. It's been like this for more than a couple of years. I really want to go to a therapist but then I always think I'm overreacting. It's like, the world seems to have been burning for so long around myself that I don't even realise if it's burning or not. I wish I could have therapy sessions, but there are no good therapist where I live. Only some psychiatrist who'll give you meds, and I am really not keen on that. Sometimes, it's fine. But sometimes it's so overwhelming with this deep urge to break the dam within me but also to hide away from everyone. I've never wanted to share anything going on with me to anyone before, mostly because I had experiences of when I had once shared it with someone in my childhood, I also think that it's nothing unusual what I'm going through and I'm just being too sensitive, and also everyone around me seems to be dealing with some of the same or other stuffs and they've their own plates to manage. And I think everyone's managing it on their so why can't I? They're excelling with all those stuff, and I can't even complete a chapter for my exam the next day even after doing nothing all day. I hate that it's always me asking if my friends are okay even if I don't get a correct answer but no one does the same for me. I know it's petty but I just feel like no one really cares, even if they say they do. They make efforts but not where I really need them. I always want to get done with this life. God, I'm so tired, hurt, angry, bruised, overwhelmed with guilt, pain and chafed with other's harshness. They do whatever they like and I can't do anything but take it, let it go. I hate myself so much. I'm so so tired. I'm just marking another day off.