Hi! I am sure this is a stressful position to be in. Seems like you are comparing yourself, which is not right. It is okay that you haven’t cleared the exam in the past but the good thing is that you are determined that you want to do this only that’s why you’re investing your time and energy in it. You will get through it soon have confidence on yourself. What kind of maladaptive daydreaming are you talking about will you be able to explain? There are many psychological disorders which can’t be cured but can be effectively managed that it has no negative impact on your daily life and achievements. If we rule out that we will be able to work on that. How about you tell us more about what are the symptoms you’re having?

It goes something like this. I have been daydreaming a lot since I was a kid. It felt nice and manageable at first. I was bullied at school and my mother was/is kinda toxic, so it started as a defense mechanism. It's very manageable when I'm busy and occupied with people. It's hard to manage it when I'm alone. I am emotionally able enough to manage childhood traumas now but it seems that this defensive mechanism has gone wild. Because I have to take a drop year to prepare for the exam and I can't go out (Covid) , I have to spend maximum time alone , privately in my room which is what has been fueling my daydreaming. Also , I think I am in depression. I hate being alone and hate being in company. I feel very disconnected with everyone and everything. I feel strangely empty and numb. I just don't have the courage to speak all this out of my mouth. I feel inferior than everyone I know. I feel like a failure and I feel like life will never change. The symptoms are getting very physical from the last 3 months. I can feel my chest getting very heavy , my head numbing and my body heating up. I don't like being like this at all. I know that it's a lie that I am telling myself but I feel as if nothing I can ever do will reciprocate the failures of the past. I feel as if everyone will always judge me for this. And that whatever I do , it will never be good enough. The daydreaming includes visualised events of things I'd love to have in my life. Success , aesthetics, health , romantic relationships, great friendships and stuff like this. I don't feel anything nowadays. Sometimes I'm really afraid of this. It's painful. I never wanted to put myself in this situation. I had it in me and I knew what I needed to do to crack the exam and fix my life. I knew it all exactly. But now , I find it hard to be solution oriented. Instead of focusing on solutions and lessons, my attention is fixated on problems and emotions, which I know fuels depression. Sometimes I contemplate suicide. But the urge is not that strong that I'd take action. But I am afraid someday the urge might grow that strong. I don't want to die by suicide though.

There is a lingering shame in me. Shame that I have failed. My feelings are a combo of guilt , regret and shame. Not the trio I ordered. These ugly emotions take up a lot of energy and I feel drained all the time. I can barely speak , I rarely laugh (the most I can pull off is a half-hearted smile). It's getting really harder each day to complete basic survival deeds. I wish I had someone on whose shoulder I can cry it all out without being judged. I don't know you and I don't know what is going to become of this conversation, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I really don't want to be depressed and all. I want to be free from this. I want to be normal.

Do you think I'll ever get out of this ? Will I ever be happy in life ? Do people heal from stuff like this or do they spend their entire life like this ? And how do I handle shame ? Does life get better ? Ever ?

There are a lot of people going through something similar as you. So don't worry. You're not alone. I've found that keeping myself busy all the time helps even though my therapist tells me im running away from my problems by not facing it. You don't want to be dependent on someone else to get out of this. That's maladaptive too

You will definitely get out of it. Believe in yourself. I can understand all of these emotions and everything around you. You must be feeling really upset. Life will get better if you want to make it better. You will not have to deal with shame, if you accept and make wise decisions in your life and move ahead. Try not to be stuck at one point. Considering all that you have mentioned i genuinely think that you should connect on call for a session. It would be really helpful for you. You will be able to express yourself.

Thanks. I'd like that.

You can book an appointment from here itself.